Everyone that knows me, knows I love Christmas. It’s a season that brings me great joy! The lights, songs, music, trees - honestly, everything about Christmas makes me happy. So, when I found myself in a completely “different place” this year - I was a little worried.
I tend to see the world and life’s circumstances with “the glass is half full”mentality. So when Christmas Eve came, and it seemed there was “no liquid in the glass,” I knew I needed help! It seemed like hope was lost, and I truly didn’t know how to move forward, even if I had wanted to.
I apologize for my “downer” beginning. In walking through this season, which was heavy and dark for me; I did learn some things that I believe I need to share. I will be vulnerable and honest with you, because the truth of the matter is: we don’t need it to be “a holiday season” to feel low, despondent, depressed or anxious. These are emotions that are very real and we contend with all year round.
What made this time especially difficult was my inability to view life in my “natural bent” which is always upbeat and positive. Typically, I could say things to myself like, “Don’t worry, everything is going to work out,” or “Keep your head up, you’ll make it through this.” This year, however; my “self talk” accomplished nothing!
So how did I get here? The answer is found in one word - “ISOLATION!!" Life for the last few years had caused me to become more and more reclusive. Trying to be a good husband, and raising children; coupled with being a new Pastor and attempting to lead people in their faith journey, caused me to form the extremely bad habit of bottling things up and holding them inside.
In doing this, it provided the perfect breeding ground for my insecurities and the lies of “the enemy” to do their work. Feelings of inadequacy and jealousy became more prevalent in my mind. Thoughts that I was failing on all fronts of my life were now commonplace. I could hear a thousand good words, but would be fixated on the single negative one!
All of this came to a head during Christmas 2024. Living in this “mind space” for four years, and never honestly opening up about it; caused an emotional and mental crash I’d never experienced. Thoughts of quitting what I know I’m called to do - being a pastor - weren’t occasional anymore, but daily. Thoughts that my wife and kids would be better off without me, became all-to-real to me, as I flirted with thoughts of suicide. It truly is a miracle that I am here!
So, how did I make it through? I made it through because of: The Bible, prayer, and people that loved and supported me. Without these three influences, I am not sure what would have happened. In all of the struggle, I never lost my faith in Christ; and I believe this is the main reason I never followed through with my thoughts. Even though I felt alone and that hope was lost, I knew that the Bible told me differently! I remember what Job said when he was at his lowest point. Job 23:8-10 - “If I go to the east, he is not there; if I go to the west, I do not find him; when he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him. But he knows the pathway that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.”
Job couldn’t seem to find the Lord no matter the direction he took; however, Job recognized that God is always at work! Did you catch it? -
“when He is at work in the north.” Even when I do not see Him - or understand - HE IS WORKING! Working to what end? - He was refining Job so he could “COME FORTH AS GOLD!
It would be an encouragement from my dad on Christmas Eve that almost echoed what Job said. When our Christmas Eve service ended; I guess my face could not hide the fact that I was in a bad place. My wife immediately encouraged my mom and dad to pray for me. My dad looked at me confused, and asked, “What does she mean?” I simply pointed to my head and said, “Dad, I’m not good up here - I am in a bad place.” He pulled me aside, and said - “Forrest, you are going to make it
through this - you are going to be okay. You are being refined like gold tried with fire.” I do not think my father will fully know how much his words meant to me!
It would be a few days before this cloud would lift; because very soon thereafter, I would learn that a family was leaving our church. Feeling the heaviness of loss - I sat down and wept. When I could cry no more, something extraordinary happened; and it was - as if - all of the prayers that had been prayed for me - were answered in that moment!! This refining process was over, and had come to an end. I reveled in His promise that “I am loved, that He will never leave or forsake me.” I also knew that He is “Immanuel - God-with-me!” I knew His truth and it was setting me free. I understood why I needed to go through those refining fires. Indeed, there were some things needing to be “burned up” and I was better because of it.
Dear reader, if you find yourself in a place where hope seems lost and you don’t know what to do; please do not follow in my steps and isolate yourself. Isolation only makes things worse. Invite people into your mess so they can “lift you up” and “encourage you.” We are not meant to walk through this life alone! Please - please - pray; there is SO much power in prayer! Prayer builds your faith and moves the hand of God. Lastly, know and understand the promises of God that are found in the Bible. Read and hide them in your heart, because they could possibly save your life one day!